Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Most of being a good parent is just trying to be an average parent despite being incredibly tired.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 5, 2018
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) March 8, 2018
Welcome to motherhood.
You eat while standing up now.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 6, 2018
I want the world for my two year old. I want him to accomplish everything. I also hope to goodness he never figures out he can get out of bed by himself
— Dave Learns To Dad (@DaveLearnsToDad) March 6, 2018
I just fist-pumped in glee because I got the parking spot closest to my kids’ school, in case you wondered if there’s any excitement in life after 40.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 5, 2018
80% of my time walking places with my kids is spent waiting for them to balance on things.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 5, 2018
Me: We need to get you new bedding.
8: But I love my bedding. I like my flowers.
Me: I know, but it’s old.
8: So is Daddy, but we haven’t gotten a new one of those.
— MumMumMommyMom🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) March 6, 2018
4yo naked, dripping wet: I’m all done with my bath!
Me: Did you use soap or just sit in the water?
4yo: I just sat.
Points for honesty.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) March 5, 2018
5-year-old: *wakes up* Is it going to be warm or cold today?
5: *goes back to bed*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2018
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 6, 2018
My son thinks his baptism outfit that hangs in the back of his closet is from when he did baby karate and I’ll never tell him otherwise
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 6, 2018
When a toddler shares a room with her baby sister and starts using the baby monitor like a walkie-talkie to make requests in the middle of the night, is a baby monitor still a good idea or should we train the baby to open doors and crawl to us if she needs help?
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) March 8, 2018
Be kind, for everyone you meet will eventually end up with a kid at your kid’s junior high.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) March 8, 2018
Before kids: I’ll sing sweet lullabies each night.
After kids: Close your eyes and go to sleep or I will be the monster under your bed.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 6, 2018
Today my toddler farted at the dinner table, told me she broke her chair, and then burst out laughing. So, I gave her the password to my twitter account.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2018
My 8yo just said one of her dolls was “practicing twerking” and I just thought, “You know, it probably does take a good deal of practice to master that.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 8, 2018